Fear and Doubt?

So many times these last few months have I tried to put our current adoption in the back of my mind. Certainly not intentionally, but I never realized how very daunting it all seemed. We climbed such a monstrous mountain to bring our boys home...we fought for months and endured countless hardships before we could finally call them our sons. NOTHING about adoption is easy....and certainly nothing about adopting a special needs child internationally is easy. I have toyed with every scenario...while loving our daughter from afar yet terrified to truly embrace this calling the Lord has given. The funds we had needed to complete our home study just weren't coming in, our agency was being aloof and difficult to deal with, the kids were more trying than ever.....and it all seemed to pile on and allowed me to thwart my thoughts and efforts elsewhere. These past few weeks, however, I have spent many days in near constant prayer.

Without a doubt we KNOW the Lord has called us to Waniya....so why was I making her wait??? I truly believe the Lord often calls us when we feel we can do no more. He calls when we are at our whits end, afraid, and monopolized by a million other things. He calls when the wick is low and our flame is starting to dim. But it is in those moments of weakness that we find ourselves again...it is in those moments that the Lord revives us from the ashes and reminds us of what is truly important.

Satan also knows when we are weak. He takes our little doubtful inklings and feeds the beast within....he wants us to believe that we "can't"...."shouldn't"....or simply "haven't the strength". But I praise the Lord everyday for the little reminders that we "can", "should", and "will" BECAUSE we have a power far beyond that of doubt....we have the power and word of God. The truth....the one light when all the others have gone dim.

God took my fear and uncertainty and allowed me a time of reflection. But on days when I felt burned out someone would send me a picture of Waniya...and that smiling face would push those clouds away. And in the last few days some amazing friends have blessed us with far more than we deserve and they have generously allowed us the ability to complete our home study....the funding is now there to move this first mountain. I have probably spent the last few days crying over their generosity and while I won't name names (they know who they are)....I pray they know that it was not only a financial blessing but a blessing of renewed faith and hope. And something our hearts desperately needed reminding of....

Did I mention adoption is hard??

It takes ALL of you. And sometimes the "what if's" or questions " How will this work?" can seem overpowering...I have also recently been reminded that the Lord 100% provides for His callings.

No matter the obstacle....the Lord has gone before us....

This little girl is waiting....

I cannot pretend this journey will be as seamless as the last. We now have two special needs boys in addition to our two precious girls....the simple act of leaving for any given amount of time will be a challenge in and of itself. But I have every ounce of faith that the Lord will provide.

I never want to fake perfection. The truth is that fear and doubt are a very real part of every adoption. But its how we come out the other end of it all that counts....

So, what is my New Years Resolution???

* Bring our daughter home!!!!