Fear and Doubt?

So many times these last few months have I tried to put our current adoption in the back of my mind. Certainly not intentionally, but I never realized how very daunting it all seemed. We climbed such a monstrous mountain to bring our boys home...we fought for months and endured countless hardships before we could finally call them our sons. NOTHING about adoption is easy....and certainly nothing about adopting a special needs child internationally is easy. I have toyed with every scenario...while loving our daughter from afar yet terrified to truly embrace this calling the Lord has given. The funds we had needed to complete our home study just weren't coming in, our agency was being aloof and difficult to deal with, the kids were more trying than ever.....and it all seemed to pile on and allowed me to thwart my thoughts and efforts elsewhere. These past few weeks, however, I have spent many days in near constant prayer.

Without a doubt we KNOW the Lord has called us to Waniya....so why was I making her wait??? I truly believe the Lord often calls us when we feel we can do no more. He calls when we are at our whits end, afraid, and monopolized by a million other things. He calls when the wick is low and our flame is starting to dim. But it is in those moments of weakness that we find ourselves again...it is in those moments that the Lord revives us from the ashes and reminds us of what is truly important.

Satan also knows when we are weak. He takes our little doubtful inklings and feeds the beast within....he wants us to believe that we "can't"...."shouldn't"....or simply "haven't the strength". But I praise the Lord everyday for the little reminders that we "can", "should", and "will" BECAUSE we have a power far beyond that of doubt....we have the power and word of God. The truth....the one light when all the others have gone dim.

God took my fear and uncertainty and allowed me a time of reflection. But on days when I felt burned out someone would send me a picture of Waniya...and that smiling face would push those clouds away. And in the last few days some amazing friends have blessed us with far more than we deserve and they have generously allowed us the ability to complete our home study....the funding is now there to move this first mountain. I have probably spent the last few days crying over their generosity and while I won't name names (they know who they are)....I pray they know that it was not only a financial blessing but a blessing of renewed faith and hope. And something our hearts desperately needed reminding of....

Did I mention adoption is hard??

It takes ALL of you. And sometimes the "what if's" or questions " How will this work?" can seem overpowering...I have also recently been reminded that the Lord 100% provides for His callings.

No matter the obstacle....the Lord has gone before us....

This little girl is waiting....

I cannot pretend this journey will be as seamless as the last. We now have two special needs boys in addition to our two precious girls....the simple act of leaving for any given amount of time will be a challenge in and of itself. But I have every ounce of faith that the Lord will provide.

I never want to fake perfection. The truth is that fear and doubt are a very real part of every adoption. But its how we come out the other end of it all that counts....

So, what is my New Years Resolution???

* Bring our daughter home!!!!

A Bittersweet Sixteen

The other day I received an anonymous request to post someones heart. The fact that she is willing to share shows amazing strength and courage and I am so very proud of her....please share her story.....

( The following was written by an anonymous source but the story is very much REAL.... )


As I write this post, I’m hesitating if my story is going to make any difference. I’m praying it will. I’m not a blogger and I hope you will read all the way ‘till the end of the story.

This month I celebrate the sixteenth birthday of my foster sister. Seven years ago my life was upside down. After hopping from friend to friend, I ended up in a foster family in November. I was fifteen, almost sixteen and my little foster sister turned nine, just after I moved in. Her ninth birthday was a painful day for me. It did not only remind me of the fact that I was living with another family right now, it also remembered me of the fact that my life as I knew it, stopped when I was nine.

( So to set the facts straight: In this story there’s a nine year old and an almost sixteen year old in the past and there’s a sixteen year old and an almost twenty-three year old in the present.)

When I was nine, life as I knew it stopped. I grew up in a big family where, as the youngest, I went unnoticed a lot. This made it possible to be sexually abused severally without anyone noticing. Embarrassed and unknowing I remained silent about it. I tried to live my life as if nothing had happened. Life went on and so did I. I went on for years. In those years my family fell apart and my perseverance was tested to the limits.

All those years I felt guilty, unwanted, unseen....

When life threw me another curve ball, I left home. For six weeks I spent the night at friends, people from church, family members. I hopped around with my backpack on my back, filled with schoolbooks, a toothbrush and some clean underwear. After six weeks a family from church approached me. They told me they worried about me and that they wanted to take care of me. They wanted to offer me a home. I accepted, not knowing what to expect. I had a hard time adjusting to family life. I was used to making my own decisions, from small things, like when I had to go to bed, to bigger things, like whether or not to go to college or university. But the hardest thing to get used to was love. They obviously loved each other. There was hugging and praying. There were words like ‘I love you’ and ‘You can always count on me’. Words that had no meaning for me, because I had never experienced love that way. It took months before I trusted my foster parents and to accept love.

That’s where my foster sister enters the story....

As I mentioned before, she turned nine shortly after I arrived. It reminded me of the abuse that I’d been through when I was nine. Seeing my vulnerable foster sister turned me into a Momma bear. ‘You hurt my foster sister, you hurt me. You hurt me, you get hurt.’ What I felt for my foster sister was a new experience. I felt love for her.

I lived with my foster family for almost two years. After two years I moved back to my own parents and after a short period of time, life threw another curve ball and I moved out permanently to live on my own. And as I look back, the time that I lived with my foster family, even though it was ‘only’ two years, was the best time of my life. I learned to love, to trust and to talk. That has been the most valuable lesson of my life. I grew to love my foster family as if they were my own. My foster sister might be one the most important people in my life, up until this day. And now she’s turning sixteen. She has the age that I had when I moved in with them. And as I look at her, I realize that sixteen is too young to take care of yourself. Sixteen is too young to fight to get through another day. Sixteen is too young to deal with trauma all by yourself. While all these thoughts go through my mind, I write a birthday card for my foster sister that says: ‘I love you! You can always count on me. It doesn’t matter what might have happened, it doesn’t matter what will happen. I will always be there and I will always love you.’

 My foster sister was blessed with an amazing family....not everybody is blessed that way.....

This month there’s another girl turning sixteen. A girl who’s probably more like than my foster sister. Her name is Isolde. She lives in a facility for children with special needs in an Eastern European orphanage. Isolde has Cerebral Palsy. Her perseverance has been tested to the limits. She has probably been through more trauma than most people experience in their entire life.

All these years she too has probably felt unwanted and unseen....

Life has been throwing curve balls at her from birth. She doesn’t have a family that cares for her. But she’s too young to take care of herself. She’s too young to fight just to get through another day. She’s too young to deal with the trauma all by herself. But she shouldn’t have to. She needs a family who will love her and take care of her. A family that has as much patience as she needs to become a grown, independent woman. Isolde needs a family, before it’s too late. A family needs to be committed to her before her sixteenth birthday.

                  Please, don’t be afraid to love a sixteen year old that has never known love. 
                Don’t be afraid to take her in your home, to have her around your children. 
                  Please, give her the opportunity to experience what it is to be loved, 
                                   to be daughter, a sister, loved, treasured and adored...
                           Give her the opportunity that I got when I was almost sixteen. 
                                                 Because it changed my life forever.....

And the change for Isolde would be so much bigger. A family would give her a future. Life in an Eastern European facility for people with special needs is no future. In seven years she might be able to live a close to normal life. But someone has to give her a chance, just like my foster parents gave me a chance. And someday she’ll look back and realize that you gave her the best time of her life. I know Isolde personally and I know that she will make the most of it. And at some point there’ll be a bigger picture and we can say that it all worked out. I’m praying that in seven years she will be a young woman like me. I’m not free of trauma and I still struggle to really accept love. But I’m getting there. I’m getting married next year and in a few months I’ll be graduating college as a social worker. How I wish to see Isolde get a degree, find love and get married.

Next week I’ll be celebrating the sweet sixteen of my foster sister. Together we’ll blow out the candles. We will hug, make silly faces and enjoy the love that we feel for each other. Who will blow out the candles together with Isolde? Who will make silly faces with her? And who will let her feel loved?

So please pray with me for Isolde. And ask yourself if you could be her family. I cannot adopt (at this point), so don’t feel guilty if you’re not her family. But please, share her story. She has an adoption grant, feel free to donate towards it, so that the family who will adopt her, has less of a financial burden. Make her seen, so that hopefully, soon she’ll know she’s loved.
  
To learn more about her, watch this video or read her profile on Reece’s Rainbow ( Reecesrainbow.org under "Isolde")

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcjaw6vnUa4&feature=youtu.be http://reecesrainbow.org/52891/isolde 

Our Newest Angel

After many sleepless nights and long winded prayers.....God has shown us who He intends our little girl to be. She is a girl that I have seen for many years. I had passed over her profile on Reeces Rainbow countless times and never even given her a second thought. It wasn't that I didn't care or think she was precious....but her needs appeared to be far beyond our capabilities. However, a picture can be very deceiving....

This was her RR profile photo.

 

She is beautiful but appears to be completely bedridden. For this "assumed" fact we passed her by and would move on to another child. I feel terrible that I judged so harshly based on only one photo....

Last week, after having to release our other child, I was just trying to find a child that would "fit". But no matter which child I would try to force my heart upon....it just wasn't feeling right. If you have adopted before you know that feeling....that " YES, she is ours" kind of feeling. I remember when I saw our son, Aidan's, photo for the first time....I knew instantly that he was meant to be ours. There was no doubt. I know that likely sounds silly to some....but God can do that....God can literally turn your heart on it's ear for the right child.

Well, someone had posted a video of our girl. And before I even enlarged the image or turned the sound on...I knew that she was the one the Lord had set aside for our family. God took the little girl that I had looked at but never really seen and held her up in a new light.....

THIS is really how she is....spunky, joyful, determined, and never without that illuminating smile...

Oh how I love her.

I will admit....there are a lot of things about this adoption that make my heart leap and stomach churn (paperwork, home study, traveling, finding sitters etc....) but knowing which child the Lord intends for us to pursue is not one of them. She is an absolute gem!

She was born in 2007 and has cerebral palsy. 

She is a true treasure waiting to unfold....

So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that we are committed to "Waniya" on Reeces Rainbow....and, God willing, she will be home where she belongs soon!!

We would like to ask that you continue to keep our family and our children in your prayers....we know this is another big "upheaval" and it won't be easy to add another angel with significant needs. But God is so much greater than all our fears....so we are casting them aside and letting Him take the reigns. The biggest thing that we need is support, love, and understanding.

If you feel at all led we would like to ask that you prayerfully consider donating to helping us get our dear girl home....the financial burden is staggering. But we trust that the Lord will provide. Her ransom is great...but God is greater!!

https://www.youcaring.com/katherine-killen-411103

She Couldn't Be Ours

As I am sure many of you know by now....we had to release our commitment to the precious little girl that we were so certain was meant to be our daughter. To be honest, I don't want to get into the details via this post. I feel like I have been over it a thousand times and I am mentally exhausted.....

However, now the Lord has given us the new adventure of figuring out who He does intend our daughter to be. One thing is certain....she IS out there. In fact, we may have already found her. ;) But we want to have peace about it...we NEED to have peace about it. Once we commit again we want that to be it (God willing).

Adoption is hard. Have I mentioned this before? Because I seem to have blocked a lot of the stress and anxiety out from last time, haha!

We are still at the very beginning of the process....yes, STILL! However, it is no ones fault and all of our delays have ultimately been the cause of other blessings that the Lord decided to align first. The most recent being a job change for my husband (a huge blessing). But that also delayed the home study because the agency wanted us to wait till he was officially employed so they could have current information etc.....

But now, we are VERY close to having all of our home study paperwork complete. Once it is, then we can begin the formal interviews (we have only had a few informal ones thus far) and then the actual home visit will take place. Those of you who have been through the adoption process probably already know what everything entails....

We are anxious and I am very impatient. I often hate that about myself....I have always been ridiculously impatient. I like things done quickly, efficiently, and with as much detail as possible...none of those things describes adoption.

Today, we spent our evening painting our "soon to be" daughters room. It was this putrid yellow color with hideous peeling wall paper. When we bought this house last December it was easily my most dreaded project. However, it feels good to finally be making that room beautiful.

Zoe and Piper worked hard to help me paint....one thing is certain, whoever their sister is, she can be sure that her room was decorated with love....

That's about all the updates I can muster for the time being. I am trying to get better at blogging, however, most of my time is taken up vlogging via youtube (which I love!). But its always nice to look back and see written thoughts as well.

Until next time....

Stifling "the talk"

Sometimes; people can be unintentionally cruel.

They can resonate a certain persona of "excitement" when you tell them your (to you) amazing news! Sometimes, they will even jump up and down with you, cry, and seem truly joyous....

Only to leave your presence and tell others how crazy they think you are....and how they are certain you are ruining your life, your kids lives, and the life of the child you plan to adopt.

Yup, we have gotten that....

BUT, we understand.

We understand that it is only natural for people in our lives who care about us to be concerned on a level that they may fear to express to us face to face....

Because as much as I would LOVE to say that us adopting should be no different than me being pregnant....the simple truth is....that it is different.

We aren't going to spend months picking out cute baby clothes, having baby showers, or watch my belly grow a perfect new life....

The REALITY is that we are going to spend months buried in paperwork, financially terrified, attending doctors appointments, being evaluated to make sure we aren't clinically insane, wait, wait and then wait some more, and then FINALLY make it onto a plane where we will then have to take multiple trips, attend court, and THEN by the grace of God we will be allowed to be the parents to our precious little girl.....but even then we will be consumed with doctors appointments, post institutionalized trauma, stress on our other children etc.... (truly the list could go on and on)....

Bottom line....

It IS different. And it would be foolish of me to sit here and pretend otherwise.

I say all of this because I want everyone to know that we understand you.

We ARE listening.

Your opinion DOES matter (to an extent)...

But we also want everyone to know that at the end of the day we go to sleep KNOWING that we are walking in the Lords will.

Your "joyful" fronts don't fool us....are you really happy for us?...sure, at least, you REALLY want to be....but we also know you are scared for us....we know you worry....we know you will try to trust us but will fall short sometimes....

And it's okay....

Just know that when you have those moments of doubt....remember, that we are trusting God.

The bible has already called us to care for orphans....so He HAS already called....that much is clear....now he just needs us to be his hands and feet...

We aren't perfect...we WILL stumble....

But we love you anyway....

So, do we really need to "stifle the talk"?

No.

We just need to support one another, be open and honest, and talk MORE....not less....

The Going is Slow...

I had forgotten ...well, more like "intentionally blocked" out how painfully slow, daunting, and overwhelming the first few months of a new adoption is. Lets face it...there is just a LOT!!

The same gnawing/paralyzing fears are bubbling back to the surface....and no...not a SINGLE one of them is necessary or justified. And yet they replay in my head like a broken record and I know that I will once again obsess over every step of this adoption. But, that doesn't have to be a bad thing.....

Let find the good.

Because there is SO much good.

Yes, it's hard....

Yup, I will whine and complain WAY too much throughout the process.....

But its all out of love. I only vent my momentary paperwork frustrations because I just want that end goal...I want our little girl in our arms....safe, loved, and secure.....but mountains of paperwork stand in my way. It seems only natural I would despise the thing acting as barrier between us and our daughter. BUT I also know good and well that it is necessary. Every step matters....no step is insignificant...and in Gods timing....we will get to our girl.

We feel like this adoption has a bigger "unknown" factor than our last. With our boys, we were blessed enough to have missionaries giving us real time updates, sending pictures, and telling us how they were.....this time, we don't have any of that. We have a few short videos, 3 pictures, and a diagnosis list....a scary diagnosis list at that ( always thankful; I know many don't even have that).

She is diagnosed with....congenital malformations of her spinal cord/musculoskeletal system/eye/hip, lactose intolerance, nephritis, diverticulum of bladder, mental delays.....

We have researched everything on that list multiple times....and while we feel confident we can handle all of those needs....we still can't help but worry for our girl. We also know that she suffered from Leukemia as a baby. She is currently in remission (as far as we know) but we are also aware that it could relapse at any given point....in which case her life would, quite literally, hang in the balance.

There are just so many unknowns.

But the one thing we do know is that we love her....just as a Mother loves her child before they are born....we love her before she is officially "ours". 

I have stared at her picture MANY times over the last few years. I remember thinking how precious she was and wondering how on earth no one had scooped her up yet....little did I know then that she was meant to be a part of our family....

I love those game changers that God throws at us sometimes....

Keeps us on our toes and reminds us who is really in charge of our lives....

I just ask for prayers....we have a long journey ahead and in many ways we dont have all the logistics planned out. We have no idea how we are going to make it work....but we know God will provide...one day at a time....

ANOTHER JOURNEY BEGINS

I never fathomed breathing new life into this blog...at least not in this sense.

But God has been so very faithful since we landed back on American soil with our two new sons a year and a half ago....

Our boys are thriving in every way possible and watching the Lord pull them from the trenches has truly been an honor. We will forever treasure our time in country and fell in love with their home land. It is a place of great splendor, beauty, and kindness like we have never experienced elsewhere.

Our girls have been phenomenal sisters and I see God changing their hearts for the better each and every day. They are our brilliant shining stars and NEVER once questioned why we adopted their brothers...they just accepted it, loved them, and welcomed them. Their hearts cannot fathom the judgements the rest of the world may see....they just see their brothers and brokenness and ridicule does not exist for them. Sure, they fight....but mostly there is just love. We are immeasurably proud of them both. I pray God continues to guard their hearts and lead them in the path of righteousness.

But God has continued to mold our hearts as well and has shown us a lot of hard realities when it comes to adoption...particularly adoption of children who have special needs. Parenting them requires us to stand beside ourselves and see things from a whole new perspective....it has released an unbridled energy to be better, do more, and seek Him in every aspect of our lives.

We believe that God calls us to be selfless....to be bold and seek His will in everything that our hands do in a day and in every word that we speak. 

It would be easy to become complacent, comfortable and think that our job is done. And sure, God could easily call us to a myriad of other worthy and noble causes....but the fact is....that he gave us a heart for the least of these. THIS is our mission field and it has been chosen for us by God.

Ever since the boys have been home we have gotten the question, " Will you ever adopt again?" and we never really had an answer. So we told people, " If the Lord calls". It seemed to be the most honest answer....after all, as we learned during our last adoption, you should never try to ignore Gods blessings for they are bountiful and, more often than not, aren't plans that YOU yourself would ever make for your own life. But that's why we are His children....and that is why He knows far better than we do.

And so, during a time in our lives that is already full of chaos....a time that, from our perspective, seems like the worst timing possible.....He has called again. But HIS timing is better perfect and we have to rest in that knowledge and lean on him through the journey ahead. Because he DOES know far better than we do and He is slowly casting all of that fear and doubt aside....and he is building new bridges in His name.

Proverbs 3: 5-8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

And so we stand ready and are answering His call once again!

We are embarking on a new and exciting journey.....

WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN! And we could not be more thrilled!

We are going to have a new daughter. She is 5 years old and has a myriad of special needs...but she is beautiful and we cannot wait to see the Lord make her new.

We know that, to many, we look like we have lost our minds.....haven't thought this through....and some have even told us we are being irresponsible. But we are the body of Christ. And as such He calls on US....His children....to go out among the nations and carry out his work...without question.

"Though none go with me....still I will follow...."

We are so very excited to introduce our future daughter (even though, in our hearts, she already is)

We are committed to "Priscilla" on Reeces Rainbow!!! ( fsp links and more info are coming soon)

Please pray for us on this journey....for it will be long.....but the reward is great.....